Two things...

1. dear caller,

don't call me and then ask if you can put me on hold. no, you can't. YOU called ME.

2. dear person,

when i can smell your perfume outside at 10 yards away upwind, chances are you're putting too much on.

Why I didn't sleep soundly last night.

dear wild animal,

allow me to repeat myself, dear WILD animal, you are wild. animals that are wild, usually live in the wild and not under my house as you have found it a good idea to do. neither my husband nor i appreciate your midnight scratchings as you claw your way up into our shower cavity no doubt building a nest and spreading your filthy germs all over our crawl space. equally unappreciative is our four month old son who, like us, does not appear overjoyed when the stench of your den is wafting into our bathroom and by extension all our bedrooms. please go back to where you belong. we're pretty sure you're a skunk, so we'd like it if you left quietly and pardon the pun, didn't make a stink.

sincerely,

the homeowner